Things you find yourself saying after owning cats.

Jun 28, 2014 by


Skittles is indifferent to my pain.

If you own a cat–if you own any animal–hell, probably if you have a kid, there are certain things that you find yourself saying that doesn’t really repeat well in the rest of the world.
Without further ado (and sometimes without context), here’s a collection of things I have actually said to my cats.
(Please feel free to picture them in my voice.)

  • “Phew, Jesus. Someone’s ass stinks!” Picks up cat, sniffs near butt. “Yeah, it’s you all right.”
  • “Awww, who’s a sweet girl? You’re a swee–OW, ow! OW! No, no bites! Mommy needs her blood to be inside. INSIDE!”
  • “You’re completely brain dead, aren’t you?”
  • “Come on, fuck-faces! Time for din-din!”
  • [Commenting on an unfortunate shape in one of my cat’s fur patterns] “Dat’s my wittle penis-face!”
  • “Get your ass off my nose!”
  • “Can you please lick your anus somewhere that’s not directly near my mouth?”
  • “…All right. Who puked on my underwear?”
  • “AUGH, you farted in my mouth.” 
  • “And that’s when she sprang off my balls.”
  • “Who drug their shit through the dining room?”
  • “I need you to get your empty coin-purse out of my face while I’m on the computer.” [To a fixed, male cat.]
  • “NO! NO! Don’t scratch that! Scratch this cheap-ass thing instead!”
  • “You have no idea how stupid you are, do you? No? Good thing you’re cute.”
  • “Awww, your neck is being devoured by your own fat rolls! C’MERE I WANNA PET YOUR ROLLS!”
  • “Did someone poop? Did you poop? Who pooped. That stunk up the entire house. Good one.”
  • “Sure, let her eat grass. And guess who has to clean up the puke after?”
  • “I love you, you little jerkhead.”

What are some of the things you’ve said to your cats that you know you couldn’t get away with anywhere else?



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