These are things I HAVE said to other human beings.

Jun 28, 2014 by

Since the last blog post I did was about things I can get away saying to my cats and probably not to other humans, I thought I would share with you some of the things I have said. To people. And my husband. But people too.


The Sexual-game attraction is too hot for me right now.”

“If you don’t tell me no, it means I can do it. That’s how we work.”

Thank you for putting up the dishes because I’m a lazy bitch today.


I wasn’t sure about your friends, until I realized they were as geeky as I am.”

[Watching Green Lantern/Thor/Superman/any Hero movie that features tight pants] “Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts!”

[Trying to show my husband some function on my phone.] ” Hold on!” [I proceed to THROW IT OVER MY SHOULDER. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY. I JUST DID.]

[Shawn drops his bottle of body wash in the shower for the 2323232323 billionth time. I yell:]  “YEAAAAH! BODY SMOOSH!”

[Spent a couple of days fighting a stomach flew, when the family invited us out for cheap delicious fast-food supper:]” It’s not gonna keep me from 5 guys! I’ll get a rolling toilet!”

“I love your grandma, she doesn’t make any sense at all.”

“They can take away my land, but they can’t take away my SKITTLES!”

“Suck my dick!”
“You don’t have a dick!”
“I do so! It’s a proto-dick!…you should look it up.”

“Only one more day I can put off ironing your shirts! Why do you have to wear clothes every day?!”

“I have a sudden and inexplicable craving for a giant-ass bag of skittles. Is this a sign of brain damage?”
“Phew! Okay, glad it wasn’t something serious.”

“If we have kids, I am gonna feel real sorry for the rest of the world.”

“WHY are you eating my food off my plate/sleeping on my side of the bed/drinking out of my glass/eating my snacks?”
“Because they’re yours. Therefore, they are momentarily better than mine and therefore, I want them.”

“I CAN’T have dirtied a million bowls. We don’t own that many!”

“I’m pretty sure I just shat my eyes out.”



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